Survivor’s walk with God


This is not a testimony or a poem as that we are all expected but an account of the daily challenges and struggles that I face. Everything in my life has been the opposite of what I wanted. From childhood to adulthood, love from parents has failed me. Relationships have gone down the drain despite every effort I have put to make it work. As I sat down in a plane returning from a trip I thought will be life changing and maybe give me a chance in love, I realized something and started questioning myself. “was I happy about my life?” why does it feel like I am doing everything I can but I’m not finding love and happiness even though the God  says in Jeremiah that “For I know the plans I have for you says the LORD , plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”. As some will say “Love yourself enough and wait”. I have heard and done it so many times. I realized that at every level of my life, people who have to love me have failed me and the wounds cut deep across my heart. Time heals everything, well I hope it does. I turned to God during my childhood probably at a very young age, but I never understood why I was a Christian. The meaning was never clear why we have to love God. Pastors and ministers kept saying to me that “God loves you” and “you will be a great person” but I scoffed and doubted it all my life. When I look at myself, I see failure, lots of pain and imperfections, so how can God love me. I had ministers tell me that I doubt the love of God and I tell them that it’s hard to believe that when everything that happened in my life had been painful and I had to pick myself up all the time I fall. Eventually in the month of August 2020, something changed. I began to see life differently after a prayer which I thought was a silent prayer and this time around I did feel the love of God. I broke down in tears , fell apart and I felt the warmth of the Holy Spirit and all I could say was “I’m tired of having to feel this pain all the time and people disappointing me even though I put my heart out for them”. All these years of feeling like no one is there for me and I have to do it by myself, I was wrong. I rededicated my life to Jesus Christ and started to pray but do I still struggle? YES! I used to think I had to strive to live a life pleasing to God by my own strength but that is not the case. Once the first step to   believe in Jesus Christ is taken, the Holy Spirit is available  to grant us the strength to live a life that is holy and acceptable unto God…  Do I struggle with  temptations? YES, I do. But the good news is that God has made provision for us and is able to keep us from falling into temptations so long as we call out to him (Jude 1:24 NIV) He is also ever ready with open arms to welcome us back if we confess our sins and genuinely repent.(IJohn1:9 NIV)  David dealt with sexual sins,but why did God love him so much? A repentant heart that’s why. David was quick to accept all his sins and not be in denial about his struggles but openly admit it ,ask for forgiveness about his sins and turn from his sinful ways. This is what I learnt, it’s not about striving to do this christian walk on our own but being able to rely on God’s available strength being fully convinced we are loved and God is interested in perfecting the good work He has started in us(Philippians 1:6 NIV). I am clay and HE is molding me into the person He wants me to be. Every great prophet or servant of God was a flawed person before they encountered God, but God’s power works best in our weakness.(2 Corin12:9 NLT) This is how I walk every day in life, I may have various struggles, but I know that He is consistently working in me and I can count on His Love everyday even when all other types of love fail (Romans 8:39 NIV). NEVER GIVE UP. God can use anybody and work in you till you are perfect in His sight. He loves you and will do anything for you to become his child. This is my daily walk with God, and I have hope that HE will accomplish everything in me. I hope this encourages anyone out there. Lots of love. 

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